When I opened up about having depression a bit over a year ago, I had been encouraged quite a bit by someone else opening up about depression in a youtube video and that someone was dark-comedy-sketches-making Thomas “Tomska” Ridgewell. I had seen a bunch of his stuff when I just stumbled upon his second, more personal channel. And there were these videos on his second channel, dealing with really heavy stuff that he went through. I don’t know how big of a deal they might be to someone else but to me they were incredibly brave and inspiring and also probably the most sincere and painfully relatable thing I had ever seen on youtube. Seeing someone talk so openly about the awful stuff that I also experience, up there, just made me feel a lot less alone. So I had been feeling like sharing these videos for a long time, in the hope that they do the same for someone else or maybe paint a clearer picture for people that don’t understand what depression feels like.
Another video that had the same effect, that was really heart-breaking, was by Jake Roper of Vsauce3 that I actually shared before. In it Jake talks about the side effects of his radiation treatment to cure his cancer (as of writing this, he is fortunately cancer-free) and what he talks about is very much and very accurately what depression feels like, plus other terrible side effects from the radiation therapy, making it even worse.
What’s more, the video that actually reminded me of this is Dean Dobbs’ (from Jack and Dean) that I just watched (or rather listened to).
Hope you all get better. Hope, WE all get better.
Also and lastly, here’s an early version of my own “confession” I found fitting to share in this post. Take care.
I always liked to be alone, thinking and wondering about a million things.
I couldn’t believe what is happening in this world. All the ignorance, all the inflicted pain, all the sorrow. To be honest, I think it doesn’t affect me a lot anymore because I’ve grown kinda numb over the years.
I don’t know, I guess if you care about this world, if you have a lot of empathy in your heart and a strong drive to learn, sooner or later it will destroy you [to some degree].
So, it turned to loneliness. And then to isolation. I felt so far removed from anyone. I could stand in a crowd of people and I would feel unbearably alone.
I didn’t realise at the time that this would never leave.
I cared about things others didn’t care about and I didn’t care for the stuff they were into. I’m not into sports, I didn’t drink. Because of the latter I probably missed years of community.
So when I turned 18 it got worse. Home dissolved, friends scattered everywhere, University, band was gone.
I spend so much time living like a ghost. But I had the music for company and I had friends to pull me out of it, if only for one evening.
Though I wished for years that someone would somehow notice, that someone would sincerely ask me how I am.
I’m not telling you this for sympathy. I feel that I can’t begin to fight this if I keep pretending that I am fine.
Looking back, it feels like a huge fuck-up on my part to not do this sooner. But it’s not that simple.
At best it’s kinda like that missing spark.
It’s all out of focus. Too many thoughts, a million things always racing through my mind. It makes it hard to sleep because you’re always restless. All the while you just do nothing. It’s all slipping away. Pointless.
There’s always something blocking the sun that’s paralyzing you. You can’t see anything.
But I had my bursts of inspiration, my moments of happiness. Sometimes it just takes a song, a few kind words or a little time with a friend, just a little connection. It’s incredible how little it takes and I wish we could act like that more often. I guess we all lack that energy sometimes. This lack that is doubt and the fear of investing too much of ourselves, leaving us vulnerable. We’re scared of sending the wrong messages, scared of building something up that we can’t maintain. Or perhaps that’s just me.
PS: Also not to forget the TED Talks. They helped a lot, too.